Afterwards, Betty, Elaine and I finished our drinks, mingled for a bit and then hurriedly left so we could begin gossiping as soon as possible.
"Omigosh I had so much fun!" Elaine said, looking at Betty and me.
"I have so much to say right now...I don't even know where to begin. It was really fun!" Betty said.
"Ok, who are you all going to pick? Who did you like? Wasn't Spencer so weird? Can we go somewhere and talk about this all!?" I asked while buttoning my coat.
"Yes! and I'm starving," Elaine replied.
Maggie Mae's Pub a block away was our destination. After getting a table, potato skins and beers we started our rehashing. "Ok, Bernard* was so sexual. If we go on a date....well...I'm just saying... And James*, he was cute and came to talk to me afterwards," Elaine said.
"Ok, I must record our thoughts," I said turning over a Maggie Mae's paper placemat. "Lets go through everyone and say what we thought. Oh, but wait -- can we first talk about how my date got up and left at the beginning??"
"Ha ha, yeah, I can't believe there were more guys that girls. That was a bit surprising," Betty said.
"Ok, first off, we had Tim*, the PhD student at Columbia. Definitely nerdy and super short, but he was sweet! I think I am going to match him," I said.
"I know, he was really sweet. I am going to match him too," Betty replied.
"Ok, how about 'The Greek?' He was possibly one of the weirdest. He told me that 1/7 of the world was Greek and so that since we were both Greek at least one other person in the room was Greek as well. Ek, no way, he was super creepy," Elaine said with a disgusted expression.
"Ha! I told him to look out for you. I said he needed to pay special attention to you, Elaine, because you are one of his people and that you, Betty, lived right by the Cloisters which he said really liked going to," I said, laughing.
"Geez, thanks a lot," Betty said, "but at least he wasn't as bad as Jonathan who simply said 'I'm in stocks' and was silent half the time."
"But by far Spencer was the weirdest. Come on, I'm pretty sure he was gay. Why was he there?" I asked.
"I don't know about him being gay, but he was...special...I think," Elaine said slowly.
"Well he told me about the advertising projects he was working on," Betty said, trying not to laugh, "he is working on a cream that you rub on your chest and shoulders that increases testosterone. And also the HPV vaccine, Gardasil. But I think I'm going to match him!"
I laughed so hard I choked on a potato skin. "What??" Elaine said.
"Yeah! I mean...he was nice," Betty reasoned. I was laughing so hard I was having a hard time writing on the placemat.
"Truthfully, I think you should be obligated to match everyone," Betty said looking at me. "I mean, you can consider it research for the blog."
"Hmm, you make a good point. I will try and match everyone, except maybe Mike the Russian from Coney Island - I just got a weird vibe from him," I said.
"Oh yeah, he bought me a drink at half-time. Does that mean I have to match him?" Elaine asked.
"Good question," I noted, writing her question on the placemat.
It was at that point that I noticed a group of three guys at the bar giving us strange looks. Granted, it is not as if all the other girls in the pub were huddled around a placemat laughing and taking notes, so perhaps we did stand out a bit. Finally after three or four incidents of awkward eye contact, one of the guys came over to the table. "So do you ladies mind if I ask why you are writing on the back of a placemat?" he asked.
"High confidential," I answered, attempting to be coy.
"She is a famous writer, don't worry about," Betty tried.
"Lets just tell him the truth and then he'll probably leave us alone," Elaine hissed at me. "Hi, actually she writes about dating in New York and we just went speed dating and so now we are talking about how it went," she concisely answered. Well done, Elaine. She made me sound so professional and legit. "Speed dating?! I need to hear more about this," he said, pulling up a chair next to me. "Was it how I imagine it -- just like in 40 Year Old Virgin?" Great, I am now being compared to a character in a movie that is sexless for 40 years. Just what I need.
"Sure, whatever," I answered, rolling my eyes.
"Did you meet any cool people, or were they all really weird? I am so intrigued as to who goes speed dating," he asked.
"No, there were some cool people. But definitely some crazies," Elaine answered.
"Hey, guys come join the group," he yelled to his lingering friends at the bar. A tall and lanky guy with glasses and a roundish guy wearing a NY Rangers hat walked over to the table.
"I'm sorry to be lame, but I'm going home. I have a long subway ride ahead of me," Betty said. "Here, one of you take my seat," she motioned to the guys as she gathered her coat and bag. "Ok, well, I'll call you tomorrow!" I yelled as she headed out the door.
The guy wearing the Rangers hat took Betty's seat and the lanky one sat down next to Elaine. We soon learned they had just come from a Ranger's game and that the lanky, glasses adorned guy was the originally guy's brother. "By the way, I never caught your name," I turned, asking the 20 questions man to my left. "Its Jim*," he said smiling, and beared extremely white teeth. We went through all the pleasantries of where are you from, what do you do, etc... It turned out Jim was slightly against my home state due to the fact his ex-girlfriend went to college there. Apparently his ex was a bit of a bitch: she accepted a job in Brazil while they were still dating, moved and abandoned all her belongings in their apartment for him to deal with. "Yeah, after we broke up I got on match.com," Jim told me, "so I can't really judge you for speed dating."
"What was it like, match.com? I made a profile but have never gone on any dates," I said. I decided to leave out the part that I was too cheap to pay the monthly fees.
"Well as a guy, you wink at every girl you find remotely attractive, bottom line, and then you go from there. I went on 3 good dates, 3 bad ones. To tell you the truth, and I'm only saying this to you because you are a perfect stranger, I got on match.com because after my ex and I broke up I had absolutely no self-confidence to talk to girls in person anymore. But after I got over that, I deleted my profile and got off."
"Wow. So you think some of the guys I met tonight are going through the same thing? Lack of self confidence? I was really surprised at the amount of guys that would turn out for speed dating. I mean I knew there were desperate girls...but guys willing to go through speed dating...," I said.
"Look," Jim answered, "guys are willing to go through almost anything if they think the outcome means they are going to get some with a girl. Speed dating gives them a pretty good chance."
"Well I think this match.com and speed dating is all bullshit," Jim's friend said. "You just need to have the balls to ask a girl out in person. Bottom line. I don't care what your problem is."
"What if you are too shy and you would rather use match.com than just meeting someone in a bar? Maybe you don't have that great of social skills -- match.com would be helpful, don't you think?" Elaine countered.
"No. Be a man. Just go up to the girl and say something," he answered back drunkenly.
"So you're telling me, for example, that even if I can't ice skate, I should go try and play professional hockey and get my ass kicked?" Elaine asked, obviously getting worked up.
"Yes! Get out there and do it! If you want to learn to skate you can. Give me 2 weeks, I'll teach you how to skate," he said, looking around at the table for recognition. His friends gave him the bro-nod and he seemed satisfied and calmed down. Elaine, however, still looked a bit huffy and was giving me the eye like she wanted to go. I gave her the 'Ok, let me finish my drink and then we can go' look and she seemed satisfied and calmed down. "So Elaine says you write a blog on dating -- you have to give us the address! Especially since we probably helped you come up with some great information," Jim's brother said to me. I shot Elaine a death look -- I don't like to let guys I meet know right away that I right a blog about dating. Makes for an awkward conversation of "Oh, are you going to write about me?" Anyways, I wavered and finally decided not to give them the blog address. I told them they had to earn the right to read it. We did, however, all swap contact information. After Elaine and I left I received a text from Jim: "I better be top billing on your blog or else I will feel really bad about myself." Everyone wants a piece of the e-limelight.
"Ok, I must record our thoughts," I said turning over a Maggie Mae's paper placemat. "Lets go through everyone and say what we thought. Oh, but wait -- can we first talk about how my date got up and left at the beginning??"
"Ha ha, yeah, I can't believe there were more guys that girls. That was a bit surprising," Betty said.
"Ok, first off, we had Tim*, the PhD student at Columbia. Definitely nerdy and super short, but he was sweet! I think I am going to match him," I said.
"I know, he was really sweet. I am going to match him too," Betty replied.
"Ok, how about 'The Greek?' He was possibly one of the weirdest. He told me that 1/7 of the world was Greek and so that since we were both Greek at least one other person in the room was Greek as well. Ek, no way, he was super creepy," Elaine said with a disgusted expression.
"Ha! I told him to look out for you. I said he needed to pay special attention to you, Elaine, because you are one of his people and that you, Betty, lived right by the Cloisters which he said really liked going to," I said, laughing.
"Geez, thanks a lot," Betty said, "but at least he wasn't as bad as Jonathan who simply said 'I'm in stocks' and was silent half the time."
"But by far Spencer was the weirdest. Come on, I'm pretty sure he was gay. Why was he there?" I asked.
"I don't know about him being gay, but he was...special...I think," Elaine said slowly.
"Well he told me about the advertising projects he was working on," Betty said, trying not to laugh, "he is working on a cream that you rub on your chest and shoulders that increases testosterone. And also the HPV vaccine, Gardasil. But I think I'm going to match him!"
I laughed so hard I choked on a potato skin. "What??" Elaine said.
"Yeah! I mean...he was nice," Betty reasoned. I was laughing so hard I was having a hard time writing on the placemat.
"Truthfully, I think you should be obligated to match everyone," Betty said looking at me. "I mean, you can consider it research for the blog."
"Hmm, you make a good point. I will try and match everyone, except maybe Mike the Russian from Coney Island - I just got a weird vibe from him," I said.
"Oh yeah, he bought me a drink at half-time. Does that mean I have to match him?" Elaine asked.
"Good question," I noted, writing her question on the placemat.
It was at that point that I noticed a group of three guys at the bar giving us strange looks. Granted, it is not as if all the other girls in the pub were huddled around a placemat laughing and taking notes, so perhaps we did stand out a bit. Finally after three or four incidents of awkward eye contact, one of the guys came over to the table. "So do you ladies mind if I ask why you are writing on the back of a placemat?" he asked.
"High confidential," I answered, attempting to be coy.
"She is a famous writer, don't worry about," Betty tried.
"Lets just tell him the truth and then he'll probably leave us alone," Elaine hissed at me. "Hi, actually she writes about dating in New York and we just went speed dating and so now we are talking about how it went," she concisely answered. Well done, Elaine. She made me sound so professional and legit. "Speed dating?! I need to hear more about this," he said, pulling up a chair next to me. "Was it how I imagine it -- just like in 40 Year Old Virgin?" Great, I am now being compared to a character in a movie that is sexless for 40 years. Just what I need.
"Sure, whatever," I answered, rolling my eyes.
"Did you meet any cool people, or were they all really weird? I am so intrigued as to who goes speed dating," he asked.
"No, there were some cool people. But definitely some crazies," Elaine answered.
"Hey, guys come join the group," he yelled to his lingering friends at the bar. A tall and lanky guy with glasses and a roundish guy wearing a NY Rangers hat walked over to the table.
"I'm sorry to be lame, but I'm going home. I have a long subway ride ahead of me," Betty said. "Here, one of you take my seat," she motioned to the guys as she gathered her coat and bag. "Ok, well, I'll call you tomorrow!" I yelled as she headed out the door.
The guy wearing the Rangers hat took Betty's seat and the lanky one sat down next to Elaine. We soon learned they had just come from a Ranger's game and that the lanky, glasses adorned guy was the originally guy's brother. "By the way, I never caught your name," I turned, asking the 20 questions man to my left. "Its Jim*," he said smiling, and beared extremely white teeth. We went through all the pleasantries of where are you from, what do you do, etc... It turned out Jim was slightly against my home state due to the fact his ex-girlfriend went to college there. Apparently his ex was a bit of a bitch: she accepted a job in Brazil while they were still dating, moved and abandoned all her belongings in their apartment for him to deal with. "Yeah, after we broke up I got on match.com," Jim told me, "so I can't really judge you for speed dating."
"What was it like, match.com? I made a profile but have never gone on any dates," I said. I decided to leave out the part that I was too cheap to pay the monthly fees.
"Well as a guy, you wink at every girl you find remotely attractive, bottom line, and then you go from there. I went on 3 good dates, 3 bad ones. To tell you the truth, and I'm only saying this to you because you are a perfect stranger, I got on match.com because after my ex and I broke up I had absolutely no self-confidence to talk to girls in person anymore. But after I got over that, I deleted my profile and got off."
"Wow. So you think some of the guys I met tonight are going through the same thing? Lack of self confidence? I was really surprised at the amount of guys that would turn out for speed dating. I mean I knew there were desperate girls...but guys willing to go through speed dating...," I said.
"Look," Jim answered, "guys are willing to go through almost anything if they think the outcome means they are going to get some with a girl. Speed dating gives them a pretty good chance."
"Well I think this match.com and speed dating is all bullshit," Jim's friend said. "You just need to have the balls to ask a girl out in person. Bottom line. I don't care what your problem is."
"What if you are too shy and you would rather use match.com than just meeting someone in a bar? Maybe you don't have that great of social skills -- match.com would be helpful, don't you think?" Elaine countered.
"No. Be a man. Just go up to the girl and say something," he answered back drunkenly.
"So you're telling me, for example, that even if I can't ice skate, I should go try and play professional hockey and get my ass kicked?" Elaine asked, obviously getting worked up.
"Yes! Get out there and do it! If you want to learn to skate you can. Give me 2 weeks, I'll teach you how to skate," he said, looking around at the table for recognition. His friends gave him the bro-nod and he seemed satisfied and calmed down. Elaine, however, still looked a bit huffy and was giving me the eye like she wanted to go. I gave her the 'Ok, let me finish my drink and then we can go' look and she seemed satisfied and calmed down. "So Elaine says you write a blog on dating -- you have to give us the address! Especially since we probably helped you come up with some great information," Jim's brother said to me. I shot Elaine a death look -- I don't like to let guys I meet know right away that I right a blog about dating. Makes for an awkward conversation of "Oh, are you going to write about me?" Anyways, I wavered and finally decided not to give them the blog address. I told them they had to earn the right to read it. We did, however, all swap contact information. After Elaine and I left I received a text from Jim: "I better be top billing on your blog or else I will feel really bad about myself." Everyone wants a piece of the e-limelight.
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