Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A Venezuelan, A Nerd and A Jew

This past Tuesday I somehow ended up at a socialista/upper east sider owned magazine party. The invite came from the magazine's owner who I had been working with on an upcoming work event. I asked him if I could bring a "colleague" from the office and in turn dragged my delighted co-worked along. My boss was so excited I was going ("You could really meet someone special at an event like this -- no more internet boys!") that she loaned me all the David Yurman jewelry she had on and told me to go put on some makeup because I looked tired. My co-worker and I headed to the party at 6:20 (fashionable late, of course). After one cocktail (love an open bar, grey goose and soda for free ninety-nine), I started skimming the room for men under 40. "See that cute guy," I asked my co-worker, "the foreign looking one?" She nodded, "I think I heard them speaking French," she said. With this I dragged her to the bar where they were standing: a group of men that were attractive, possibly French, in a sea of mostly socialites, 40s and married, or plastic-surgeried ladies were definitely worth pursuing. Once I had sidled up close enough to slyly listen to their sexy foreign conversation, it turned out they were speaking Spanish! Although I don't speak French, I hablo flirting en espanol enough to make things interesting (what do you think studying abroad is all about? experiencing the "culture"). Learning from experience that my wink is not my best option, I went with the eyebrow raise. Well ladies and gents, that is my new trademark! I got an immediate handshake and a, "Hello, I am Miguel*. This is my friend David*." Well hola Miguel! I introduced myself and my co-worker and exchanged pleasantries which is how I found out he was from Venezuela (oh la la). "Where are you from in Venezuela," I asked Miguel in Spanish. My co-worker rolled her eyes and stood looking annoyed at Miguel's amigo David who was less interesting and attractive. "Soy de Caracas," Miguel answered, "y ahora vamos hablar en espanol." I learned that although Miguel spoke perfect English, he wanted to speak Spanish with me, and even better would love to help me practice my Spanish. At this point my co-worker walked away to send text messages on her i-phone and continue drinking heavily. After hablando en espanol for a bit and him learning where I lived (neighborhood, not exact apartment number), he told me there was a great Venezuelan restaurant near me on East 7th Street and he would love to take me this weekend! Dios mio! Then he got my number and gave me his card and gave me the two besos on the cheek! I was floating -- a lovely South American, how dreamy. But then later, in the cab at 8 pm on the way to Elaine's* birthday dinner at Rissotteria, I reflected on my time spent in South America. How many men had I met and made plans with only to have them turn out to be super flighty, or simply never call at at all? They did not have the best track record. I would give this Venezuelan the benefit of the doubt, but as of now he was penciled in for Saturday, lightly.

Today I decided there is definitely a 5% chance my nerdy work crush has a crush on me too. He sent me an email today and included at the end "thanks for returning my tape." See?? L.O.V.E. Oh, and of course as fate would have it, this afternoon while I was pining away for him, this other guy at work asked me out! I don't really know him -- he works in IT which is on the other floor. I was returning a wireless internet card to him when the awkward interaction occurred. "So, what do you do on Tuesday nights?" he asked. Cue me making an awkward, "uhh, well, emmm...I've been really busy with work events..."
"I wanted to ask because I go to Temple in the East Village. People go and just really chill out and then there is a delicious feast after. I'll send you an email about it."
"Um, thanks!" Has there been some miscommunication? Mazel Tov, but thats not really my scene dude.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Mis-Connect with Caution

This chart shows the most common locations in the city where Craig's List "Missed Connections" occurred Sept 25-29 (according to Gawker.com, that is). It appears that I am not the only one that falls in love on the subway -- it won the Missed Connection locations with a whopping 35%! Take note that hyponisis shows had a 0.3% -- that is better than 0% which is what I got in Chicago this past weekend. That city is too clean. I digress. I have yet to post a missed connection on Craig's List, but perhaps it is my next step for subway love... I put the corresponding subway chart here too so you can make sure you are riding the right lines, yeah baby!

Friday, September 26, 2008

I think You're Shady.

So the big date was last night. As I shared from my gchat conversation with Lawyer from Long Island, we were schedule to meet at around 5:45-6 pm at Stanton Social for drinks. I get off work around 5 pm so it couldn't be any early, and I had a birthday dinner at 8 so it couldn't be any later.

Although I was still very skeptical about the whole date, I was excited. Regardless, I would be getting a free drink at Stanton Social (their cocktails are $13!!). I rushed to leave work right at five, my boss telling me for the last time she wouldn't be able to say 'I told you not to meet boys online' when I was announced dead in the Post the next morning, and made it home in pretty good time. I was walking out of the door on my way to Stanton Social by 5:50. Not bad for making it home in rush hour and changing for a date, in my books. I was walking (its about 7 minutes from my apt) when I received the Lawyer's first text, "Whats ur story?" I text back immediately, "I'm on my way. Sorry -- I completely forgot I had your number, (from when he called me during our gchat, remember??) I'll be there in 5." I get no response. I arrive at Stanton Social -- he is nowhere to be found. Not at the bar, in the restaurant, outside, anywhere. I call, text, I stand outside...alone...until I finally go back to the bar, order a $13 Basil-Lime Gimlet and wait. He texts me at 6:20 to say he left and is back in Brooklyn. I am confused, I say (all of this via text). He then proceeds to say he had been waiting outside the bar for 40 minutes before he texted me at 5:58 and I never called to say I would be late. Once again I am confused. Were we not supposed to meet at 5:45-6? Why were you waiting for 40 minutes? Didn't you get my text to say I was on the way? Couldn't you have waited 10 more minutes? He texts back and tells me that he left when I was late and didn't call and to be honest I have been less than forthright (nice lawyer talk there) and that he thinks I'm shady!!! I furiously text back that I think he is an asshole and we should just call it a night. He said good, I'm back home and definitely not coming back out to you. OH SNAP! Had to get that last zing in there didn't you, buddy.

Luckily, I have great friends and after he told me he was "definitely not coming back out to [me]," I emergency texted Elaine* and she came and met me so I would not look like someone who had been stood up on a date. I did bribe her with a $13 cocktail... Anyway, we started talking about how technology has totally changed, and has the potential to ruin, dating as we know it. You are expected to be available and ready to communicate 24/7; when I was not answering my gchat messages, the Lawyer called my cell phone! Who says we want to be that available? In the days of landlines only there was none of this texting "whats ur story?" -- you just waited until the person came or didn't. (thats what she said?) Its not even just dating we are talking about, but simply social skills as we know it. I do want to pose a question: do you think that breaking up with a person via text or email still makes one a horrible person? Much more to come on this subject...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Unrequited, unreal, or just umm...

8:50 am Arrive at work. Check email and find two from my pseudo crush at work. Fantasize that he is emailing to inform me that he has been in love with me since the first time we locked eyes in March.
8:54 am Realize both emails are about work. Drown my sorrows in a bowl of fiber one cereal.
9:30 Show co-workers gchat conversation with Lawyer from Long Island. They tell me I am paranoid and because the conversation did not include the words "knife," "dark alley," or "I am going to kill you," I have nothing to worry about. Hhmmph.
10:17 am Oh.my.gosh. my pseudo crush is right by my desk. I panic and instead of saying some cute and clever I say, “Hi, uh how are you? don’t you think it kinda smells like beer in here?” Whaaaaaaaaaat?? He attempts a reply and walks away.
10:24 am Feel nauseated and have realization I may end up an incense burning spinster with cats. And I hate cats.
12:11 pm I saw David Blaine NOT hanging up side down. Faker.
1:15 pm Go to deli/market for lunch. Consider the fact the sandwich man might be a 6 out of 10 instead of a 4. Realize I am wearing my "single goggles;" do those exist?
3:47 pm My co-worker reads me my horoscope for today: "You will encounter a strange man." I wish I was kidding.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


1. Gchatting ensues
A. before a date
B. during a date (on your blackberry)
C. after a date

Today the answer was A., when Lawyer from Long Island and I gchatted for the first time.

2. The internet makes people
A. be extremely polite and shy away from inappropriate comments
B. say things they most likely would not in person
C. say things that make their desirability as a blind date plummet to near negative proportion

The correct answer for my situation would be C., when Lawyer from Long Island (LLI) attempted to amaze me with his dazzling wit, and instead instilled in me the idea that he could quite possibly be certifiably crazy.

3. When gchatting with a girl with whom you have a blind date the next day it is smart to say:
A. "Gee wiz, I can't wait til our date tomorrow night. I'm going to take you out and really treat you like a lady."
B. "You want a total package appeal? In that case, to save you the trouble, I'll let you know I have a very good package. No need to stress about that."
C. "I should be seeing your apartment after a conversation like this."

If you answered B and C, you apparently play by the same dating rules as LLI.

He then asks me "so, anything I should know...what are you thinking :)" (I hate smiley faces). Elaine* says, "this is code speak for, 'do you enjoy random sex?'" I tell him I will let him know what I am thinking tomorrow, once I make my own judgment -- "I judge as a hobby," I say. "Wow, you don't get out much, eh? :) What will the categories be?" he asks. The sticky rotten sweetness of attempted flirting gone bad is seeping through my computer screen, making me nauseous. I don't get out much!!! I want to scream. You put an add on Craig's List!!!

Tomorrow will be interesting. If he shows...

Monday, September 22, 2008

Love in the Club (or the subway?)


Can you successfully meet people on the subway? Everyone is trying -- clue subwaycrush.com. I'm a creepy people watcher, so I usually lock eyes numerous times in one train ride. My friend's mom who lived in NYC in the 70's and 80's told me she locked eyes with a cute guy on the train once, he got off at her stop, asked her out and they dated for two months. Hmmmmm, the only people that follow me off the train are the crazy mariachi band players asking for money. How can I remedy this problem? For awhile I considered handing out my business cards, just to see the response. My friend recently was seated next to the man she was certain was her future husband (this happens to me 2 of 5 commutes a week) and was working up the courage to ask to borrow a section of his New York Times when she decided it was just too awkward, its the subway after all. Is subway love possible?

Side note: Numerous emails and facebook messages from craig's list Lawyer from Long Island. It appears he has seen the error of his game playing ways. I agree to meet him for early drinks Wednesday night. Andi's* bday dinner is at 8 so we will do early drinks. And that means I can cut out super early if he is horrid.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Just don't do it

I decided to stalk my ex-boyfriend on facebook. To my credit, I have not attempted to see him, call him, or even look at his facebook profile for 2 months -- I have been very self-disciplined. Yet in a moment of weakness, I did some stalking. Although no information on the profile had changed, a handful of pictures had been updated, and a group had been added. He was seated next to the same girl, who I did not know, in at least 3 photos. Who is this girl, I must know!! I then checked the updated group. It was a group dedicated to...the mystery girl's baby clothing store! How dare he try and get a new relationship before me!! is all I can think. Yes, I know you are thinking, hey, didn't you just start a blog dedicated to dating? Regardless, this is not allowed. I now try to convince Elaine*, who is a fashion design student at Parson's, to email this mystery girl and pretend to be interested in baby clothes. "After you feign interest, then maybe you could ask, so would you have time to talk with me about this? I mean, I don't want to get in the way of your social life. Are you seeing anyone? Tall, wears glasses, lives in Park Slope?" She tells me I am crazy. I thought I was creative. Damn the internet.

The Wink

I have been told by friends that my wink is sub-par, or by more brutally honest friends, simply scary. Instead of a cute flick of the eyelid, I apparently contort the entire left side of my face, making the wink have the complete opposite effect - fear. Because this is a skill handy to meeting guys, I decided I needed to practice, improve my wink and put the new one to work ASAP.

I began this endeavor Friday night. After some practice on my roommates, along with a cocktail at dinner, I was feeling confident. Elaine* and I left our other roommate, Andi*, and her boyfriend to meet our friend Stina* at Bowery Bar. The three of us were seated next to a table of mildly attractive guys, one of which I thought looked like a short Justin Timberlake in an ugly vest. "Perfect opportunity to try out the wink, just watch this," I said. Elaine rolled her eyes. I winked at the ugly-vested Justin Timberlake -- he winked back! Success! This then led to pulling up chairs to their table and making introductions. "So what do you do?" I asked Justin Timberlake. "Well, I'm an actor, director, writer, artist and bartender," he explained, while winking at me at least 3 more times. "I actually had to dye my hair for a part I'm auditioning for. Its normally not this blond. I'm an ash blond -- thats the color of blond, if you burned it." Oh, holy, crap. (Note to self, make a particular effort to stay away from all ash blonds). I looked to Elaine, who was currently sitting silently with her arms crossed, to see if she had heard this amazing comment. At the same moment, blond-vesty looked at her and said, "I was like you once. Melancholy. That was 4 years ago, when my mom died." Oh, balls. He kept going, "Do you know the singer Ray LaMontange? He will change your life." With this comment he took out his i-pod, put the head phones in Elaine's ears and attempted to change her life. After changing the music to Radiohead and explaining her life had not been changed, we decided it was time to make a clean escape.

Walking in Ace Bar, our next destination, I felt much better. Amid the pool tables and skee ball machines, I saw lots of cute, vest-less guys ready to chat it up. While I bought beers, Stina said hello to a college friend and Elaine checked out the prospects. I returned to find her chatting with a cute, but overly aggressive Englishman. "So how did you end up in New York?" I asked him. "I moved here four weeks ago to work for Lehman Brothers." Awkwardness abounds. "Soooo...are you having fun tonight??" Elaine rallies. He looks at Elaine and winks. "Yes, loving this. You're great. When are we going to go dance? Where can we do dancing around here?" She looks at me, perplexed, then back at him and says, "I don't play darts." I realized something had been lost in translation, or at least the strong accent. "I don't know how, I'm sorry. I really think I might hurt someone if I tried." Though obviously confused, he isn't phased, winks again and says, "Baby, lets go dance. I think we can dance in the back, or do you know somewhere else for dancing?"

"Really, I'm sorry, I don't know how to play darts!" she yells. If Friday night is any indicator, I have learned that the wink is a useful dating tool, if handled correctly. However, because you can always have too much of a good thing, an over-used the wink looses all its appeal. Oh, and I learned to steer clear of all winking blonds wearing vests and dancing, British bankers.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Deadzone

As I explained yesterday, tonight was my date with Mr. Lawyer from Long Island off of Craig's List.  He facebook messaged me early yesterday morning to see what was up and I messaged back last night.  Well apparently, I responded too slowly for him and by the time "mystery girl had presented herself," he had other plans for tonight and needed to reschedule, "when was I next available?"  I'm sorry, whaaat??? Clearly I messaged back that I was not available any other night than tonight, my weekend was booked solid with strictly A-list social events that he was not a part of.  Well, I said something to that extent.  He wrote back.  Within like, 5 minutes.  It seemed that tonight "MAY work" for him, but if not "Saturday would be best."  Oh and what was my gmail.  Lets be serious.  What kind of games is he trying to play?  I replied with my gmail and a simple "stop playing games."  My co-worker said I should have included at the end "(with my heart)" and then written "I love Backstreet Boys!!" and seen what his reply was.  Sadly, I did not try this.  Anyways, Lawyer from Long Island never replied!  Not that I wanted to play his silly games anyway.  Really, who even says that, "tonight MAY work for me..."  I don't need that.  And I am convinced he is weird A: because he put an add on Craig's List  B: because the picture he sent of himself to my co-worker was him with a large boa constrictor wrapped around his body  and C: because he put an add on Craig's List.  

I have entered him into what I like to call "The Deadzone."  That is the place where random cute guys you make eyes with on the subway and then get off, guys you meet in bars and never hear from, unknown pseudo crushes at work admired from afar, go to vanish and never be seen again.  Now, a Craig's List date that never was (even though I can already tell it never would have worked out) can be added.  Entry into the Deadzone happens regularly in New York; in a city of 8 million, its easy to feel a connection with lots of people, but it can be hard to actually make that connection last more than 5 subway stops.  The Deadzone is frustrating -- you can think you really spark with a guy and then BAM! nothing.  And then he disappears forever...into the Deadzone.

Vile Kyle is a perfect example of someone deep in the Deadzone.  I met Vile Kyle (VK) one night at Brother Jimmy's, a sports bar.  We were both at the bar, I was buying a PBR 16 oz can and joking with my roommate Elaine* that it would hilarious if I shot gunned the beer.  VK over heard the conversation, gave me a wink, and we started chatting.  He was obviously immediately attracted to my lady like qualities.  We talked all night; at the end of the night he got my number and even texted 3 times to say he wanted to make sure I had his number, he had fun, and wanted to hang out soon.  The week went by - no call/no text.  The weekend rolled around, same story.  Saturday night comes, I have a few drinks and clearly texted him.  No response.  At all.  Ever.  Hence, the nickname Vile Kyle and entry into the Deadzone.  I guess its my fault, I should have seen it coming:  he was a blond, they're all shifty.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Craig's List

A former co-worker of mine met her husband on Craig's List. She was 30, had recently moved to New York, hadn't met anyone great and heard some friends had been meeting really nice guys...on Craig's List. So she posted an ad, a male 30 something posted an ad, and well, the rest is history. History meaning they got married and now have a baby and a house in Connecticut. Of course it could have gone the other way, like the girl who was killed just trying to buy a mattress. Sorry, just trying to show both ends of the spectrum here.

All this being said, I have a date tomorrow! With someone from Craig's List. Stop. Let me clarify. When I asked my co-workers if they had any friends they could set me up with, one brought up the previously mentioned co-worker and her dating success on Craig's List. "Look how well she did? A lawyer and a house in CT? Let me find someone for you and just give it a shot."

For anyone reading this that knows me, you know my motto: no judgement. Sike! I judge as a hobby. So when my co-worker forwarded the email chain she had been having with Dan*, a 25 year old lawyer, I could not help but immediately think: tool. "You are getting drinks Thursday. And hes cute! I have a good feeling about this" she said.

"I have a 'watch your drink' feeling about this," my other co-worker joked. I was torn. Yet, after facebook stalking all 224 pictures of him, I decided he was cute and it would at least be entertaining! Details to come Friday...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Dating in New York. Discuss.

I am recently single and ready to pursue dating as a regular hobby. Like any 23 year old young and single New York gal, I am looking at dating with the hopeful possibility of meeting fun guys, exploring new bars and restaurants, having a good time, and getting as many free dinners and drinks as possible (just kidding about the last part...sort of....). There will of course also be the scary side of dating: blind dates, bad breath, awkward good night hugs, to text or not to text?, hearing about his relationship with his ex, etc...

Lets talk about internet dating. For a very long time I thought for sure it was only for serial killers and child molesters (oh wait, thats myspace.com). But apparently, in New York its not as taboo as I thought. It is, however, taboo to get on JDate if you are not Jewish -- I know a story of a girl who went that route and had to come clean to the boy, AND the family, once things got serious. OY! After hearing many sucess stories from match.com (and one from craigslist - don't judge!) my roommate Elaine* and I decided to check it out. Together. By making a joint profile. But, we were too cheap to pay the $16.99 membership fee so we went with the "subscriber" status, affording us nothing but the ability to wink (the internet dating equivalent of a facebook poke) at people. Having a joint profile, we realized, meant a joint picture (we look nothing alike), and personal information questions we couldn't agree about (do you like tattoos? only slightly. hair color? I never trust blonds -- they are shifty). There was one thing we both vehemently agreed on: we were steering clear of anyone looking for a partner "highly" interested in erotica.

In the end, I made my own profile (but still have not paid the $16.99 -- lets be real, I work for a non-profit). I am also welcoming, almost with a scary passion and fervor, being set up on blind dates by friends, family and any random people who may know a young, normal, male New Yorker who is single and ready to mingle. "What about you?" you may be asking, "are you going to sit at home and eat peanut butter out of the jar and wait to be e-winked?" No, but thank you for asking. I will be putting in a dedicated effort to meet people -- in bars, alumni activities, dance class, etc.... My mom always said church is a great place to meet guys...and since I'm not cheating and going on JDate...

So stay tuned for real life dating drama! It will be just like Blind Date and Elimindate with the fun word burlbs giving you what the person is thinking! Except hopefully without the cheesy guys.

***Note*** most names have been changed for confidentiality.