Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Fence, Strawberries, and a Farmer

I recently went on a doozey of a date.  A date so bad I could make you want to go ahead and buy the cats, candles, and shut the door forever.
The worst part was, I didn't see it coming.  This dude messaged me on OKCupid and looked like a totally normal guy.  He had a job (check!), didn't live at home (check!), and even lived in my neighborhood.  We had some witty banter back and forth and then arranged for a date the following week.
The hard part about dating is you usually know right off the bat once you meet someone if things are going to go well.  I would say there is a 30 second window where you are assessing the situation, and deciding if you can picture yourself kissing the person across the table from you.  When that 30 second window closes and your answer to that question is meh, or straight up no, the date can only go downhill from there.
On my date with Russ*, I would say I knew within about 15 seconds things were pretty meh.  Was it the fruity cocktail he slurping loudly, or his intense, glaring eye contant, I'm not sure.

About ten minutes in, Russ* had explained to me that his family was Orthodox Jewish and both of his siblings had married their significant others without ever kissing them.  I am fairly obviously not an Orthodox Jew, and knowing this was probably our only date, decided to be candid.
"Um, can I just ask why you aren't on JDate? I mean, why go out with me? Aren't you looking for a nice Jewish girl then?"
"Wellll... let's just say my parents wouldn't be thrilled if they knew I was on a date with a Protestant woman, but I like to live on the edge."
Right. Glad that a date with me was part of his bucket list.
As if that wasn't enough, Russ continued. "Can I ask you a few questions? I like to ask people questions to assess their personalities."
At this point, I was happy just not be discussing my Presbyterian upbringing, so I said sure.
"Ok, you're walking down the street, you see a fence, how tall is the fence?"
"I dunno, five feet?"
"Hmm, interesting.  Ok, you jump over the fence, there are strawberries.  How many strawberries do you pick?"
"I dunno, as many as I can? 10-12?"
"Yes...interesting.  And what do you do about the farmer that owns the land where you have picked the strawberries?"
"I dunno! Who the heck is this farmer? Screw him."
"Would you like to know what your answers mean?"
At this point, what could I say other than yes?
"Well the fence represents your goals, which are high, but within reach. The strawberries represent your sexual desires, I think 3 is about average so you're out of the ball park...  And the farmer represents your views towards society, so you obviously don't care what people think."
I'm pretty sure I passed this test with flying colors.  Needless to say, Russ* and I have not had a second date, but I hope he's found a nice Jewish girl to bring home to his parents.

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