Should I Text Him

Happy Friday, people!!!

And with the weekend comes the ever present question, Should I Text Him?

I did, for the record, literally just use this chart to try and make my decision.  Although, I got stuck with the "Do you have a valid reason to contact him?"

Isn't it being Friday a valid reason?

I think The Rules would probably say no. But what if he is leaving the country permanently in three weeks? Is there a proviso for that?

Too bad I don't have a Ouija board, too.

The Jim and Pam Effect

I'm really not a proponent of s**ting where I eat.  Date a neighbor? No thanks.  Date a coworker? Even worse idea.

That said, something interesting happened at my holiday party last week...

Standing in line at the buffet table, my boss, in line behind me, started in, as usual, "Make sure you keep an eye out for any single guys.  You never know, there could be some untapped gems we don't know about."

Standing in line in front of me was Paul*, a cute guy from a different department who I'm friendly with, but also happen to know has a girlfriend.

"Wait," Paul said,  "I thought you were married...?"

"Um, no, definitely not."

"So you mean to tell me I could have been asking you out this whole time?" Paul says, with a wink.

Skkkkkeeerrdddttt [sound of car slamming on breaks].

"Um, well, ah, I mean you have a girlfriend and I'm 'married' apparently so...." I stammered, awkwardly, heaving 2 tons of corned beef on my plate just to keep busy.

"I'm seeing someone.  That's it," Paul said

What!? First, how do I give off the 'married vibe' at work? Maybe that's a good thing? Second, is he asking me out?

Paul and I ended up walking from the party to the subway together where he consequently told me he really didn't think things were going to work out with said "girlfriend" and that he would see me soon.

But what I am supposed to do with this information? Elaine* reminded me that most NYTimes wedding announcements do begin with "At the time they met, the groom was seeing someone, but quickly broke it off once he met the his now wife."

A couple facebook messages have now been traded.  I'll let you know where this goes...

A Fence, Strawberries, and a Farmer

I recently went on a doozey of a date.  A date so bad I could make you want to go ahead and buy the cats, candles, and shut the door forever.

 

The worst part was, I didn't see it coming.  This dude messaged me on OKCupid and looked like a totally normal guy.  He had a job (check!), didn't live at home (check!), and even lived in my neighborhood.  We had some witty banter back and forth and then arranged for a date the following week.

 

The hard part about dating is you usually know right off the bat once you meet someone if things are going to go well.  I would say there is a 30 second window where you are assessing the situation, and deciding if you can picture yourself kissing the person across the table from you.  When that 30 second window closes and your answer to that question is meh, or straight up no, the date can only go downhill from there.

 

On my date with Russ*, I would say I knew within about 15 seconds things were pretty meh.  Was it the fruity cocktail he slurping loudly, or his intense, glaring eye contant, I'm not sure.

About ten minutes in, Russ* had explained to me that his family was Orthodox Jewish and both of his siblings had married their significant others without ever kissing them.  I am fairly obviously not an Orthodox Jew, and knowing this was probably our only date, decided to be candid.

 

"Um, can I just ask why you aren't on JDate? I mean, why go out with me? Aren't you looking for a nice Jewish girl then?"

 

"Wellll... let's just say my parents wouldn't be thrilled if they knew I was on a date with a Protestant woman, but I like to live on the edge."

 

Right. Glad that a date with me was part of his bucket list.

 

As if that wasn't enough, Russ continued. "Can I ask you a few questions? I like to ask people questions to assess their personalities."

 

At this point, I was happy just not be discussing my Presbyterian upbringing, so I said sure.

 

"Ok, you're walking down the street, you see a fence, how tall is the fence?"

 

"I dunno, five feet?"

 

"Hmm, interesting.  Ok, you jump over the fence, there are strawberries.  How many strawberries do you pick?"

 

"I dunno, as many as I can? 10-12?"

 

"Yes...interesting.  And what do you do about the farmer that owns the land where you have picked the strawberries?"

 

"I dunno! Who the heck is this farmer? Screw him."

 

"Would you like to know what your answers mean?"

 

At this point, what could I say other than yes?

 

"Well the fence represents your goals, which are high, but within reach. The strawberries represent your sexual desires, I think 3 is about average so you're out of the ball park...  And the farmer represents your views towards society, so you obviously don't care what people think."

 

I'm pretty sure I passed this test with flying colors.  Needless to say, Russ* and I have not had a second date, but I hope he's found a nice Jewish girl to bring home to his parents.

Happy Tuesday, people.

How Dating is Like Job Searching

Look, I know I'm not the first to make this comparison.  But let's be frank, the comparisons between looking for your future soulmate and your future perfect career are uncanny.  Just the other day, I was email-networking with a long-lost friend (Heyyy! so glad to hear you are in NY! We MUST have lunch...) when I realized I wasn't sure if I was emailing her for potential job leads or potential single suitors.  I really didn't know what was the better favor was to ask of her. It is a truly gray area.

Let me list for you the top 3 reasons job searching and dating are so freakily similar:

 1. Trolling the internet for hours is good for research, but probably will not lead to your next opportunity.  Oh, you found out your old college roommate knows someone how knows someone who works for your dream company? Nice, send that email. Or equally, your friend is now friends on Facebook with a mysterious and attractive seemingly employed, not living at home, cutie? Hit her up for the intro! Buuut...You cold emailed the CEO? Sorry, most likely* not going to happen.  You facebook messaged a dude you don't know because you thought he was cute? Stalker.* (*caveat- there are cases where this has worked, and can be read about here).

2. If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.  You sent your resume and cover letter off and are being offered a job 3 days later? Smells desperate.  You haven't even met blind date and he's already bought tickets for you all to go to Coachella in 2013? No, sorry.

3.  And my favorite, the "flood the market" and "throw a bunch of stuff at the wall and see what sticks principle of economics."  If you send enough resumes, have enough coffees, Link enough people In, go on enough blind dates, create enough online dating profiles, you will end up with something.  Its science, people.

Reunited and it feels so good!!

Hi dear readers! I know it has been awhile.  An almost awkwardly too long amount of time where its really just easier to cut ties to the friendship instead of catching up on what has happened in the past three years.

But I value this friendship, so I'm not going to do that.  And since it is the Holidays, and season of cheesy Let Me Update You On My Life Letters, I thought I should join suit...


December 9, 2012

Dear Beautiful Readers,

Happy Holidays! As I sit writing this note, the snow is gently falling and the ice is melting in my 200 year old Scotch.  I hope you enjoyed the homemade picture collage of my cats included on the opposite side of this letter.

I can't believe we haven't spoken since August 2009.  So much has happened.  I still live in the same apartment, have the same job, still eat take out from Raj Mahal....hmmm.  Ok, back to that so much happening part.

I stopped writing you a few years back because I fell head over heels for a dude and stopped my First Date antics for sometime.  We've since gone our separate ways, but in the past three years I did learn a few things about relationships, life and other things:

• That a long distance relationship will make you do crazy, stupid things like open an Amtrak rewards credit card and take regular trips to a cultural desert 4 hours south of New York.
• That no matter who breaks up with whom, break-ups suck.
• That donating your ex-boyfriends t-shirts and underwear he left at your apartment to the Bowery Mission Shelter and seeing a homeless man wearing them on Rivington Street is actually much more satisfying than any homicide-suicide fantasies in your head.
• That technology has completely changed dating and I have nostalgia for the land-line days of 1997.
• That I am extremely jealous of my friends who have Richard Scarry jobs and I'm still not exactly sure what it means to be a digital strategist. 
• That bagels in New York are superior to those in all other cities [Sorry, not sorry, Montreal].

I'm really excited to be able to keep you posted with new First Date stories, and comment on the roller coast highs and lows of being a single lady in New York.  I hope you'll comment with your own stories as well, and let me know what it is like to be single in other cities.

You stay classy, Planet Earth.

Happy Holidays!!!

Revenge of the...dorks?

I have come to an important conclusion this week: there is a distinction between nerds, dorks, and geeks. Nerds - you know them, glasses wearing, npr listening, and most likely, Brooklyn residing.

A Dork is a terrible, terrible dresser, an office sports league participator, and always an awkward voicemail leaver.

A Geek, which unfortunately I don't run across that much because I think they're pretty cute..., is a constant laptop carrier, a Battlestar Galactica watcher, and usually, surprisingly, a hard liquor drinker (whiskey? Bourbon?)

Yes, this are subjective. But lets be honest, you know I'm at least half right.

This came to my attention this week because I went on a date with a dork. Hard core dork. The weird thing is, even in his dorkiness, he is more smooth than some of the less dorky guys I've encountered: for one - he doesn't text, he calls. YIKES! Not sure how I feel about this actual verbal communication... We have another date on Thursday so we'll see what happens...

Weddings: Best Pickup Spot of the Summer?

Elaine* recently met her new lovah (yes, I'm calling you out Elaine*, but at least I'm not calling him your boyfriend) at her college roommate's wedding in June. They met the night of the rehersal dinner, hung out all weekend and the following week while she was still back in our hometown where he lives, and now they lovey-dovey talk every night.

She is not the first to meet a lovah, or boyfriend for that matter, at a wedding. What's up with this? Is it because everyone is happy and thinking about love at weddings? One would think that some guys would be scared and thinking about, to use a Tolkienian phrase, "the end of all things." But it seems not. So, WTF, friends. When is the first wedding?? As of now, I don't have one on the calendar until 2011. And by then I will already be old and ready to buy cats, get an apartment in Chinatown, and call it a day. So let's get this ball rolling.

To Tweet or Not to Tweet, That is the Question

I'm not on twitter, yo. Although I've moved from hating on it to simply being scared of it, perchance I shall join soon. I'm scared that once I put myself on there and start saying things like, "Hey, I just ate a footlong subway sandwich. It had too many banana peppers," people will stop taking me seriously. When do we reach the point of too many updates?

On another note, I saw a really cute guy in the elevator of my building today. I have decided the elevator is a perfectly good place to talk to strangers because you can say things like, "Great weather. Well, have a nice day," therefore laying the flirting ground work and taking note of what floor they work on in order to secretly stalk them. Although the cute guy I saw today was wearing Dockers. I think Dockers are only for children under 9 years old or senior citizens.

Oh yeah, that

I was just looking down at some old posts and realized I forgot to follow up on the date my friend Billie* was trying to set me up on. I told this guy, Chad*, I would be out of town for 3 weekends and apparently he couldn't go out during the week. So, we'd have to wait to go out for awhile -- old school courting style.

I texted him when I got back from my trip and we should grab a drink. No response. So I decided, what the hell, I'll text again, this is Billie's friend. I finally recieve a text saying this: "Hi, sorry for the late response. I'd really love to go out with you, but it turns out I'm seeing someone else."

It turns out?? Like, he just discovered it? I didn't even have a chance to reject this guy because it 'turns out' he was seeing someone. Great.

Dating.com

I'm just going to be honest here. When I said I got off okcupid, like, 3 months ago, I lied. I was only shamed by the fact that I was not receiving as many messages as my friends who were on there, and therefore wanted to save face. And to my credit, many friends agreed that my humor does not translate well online (saying things like 'ever had lice?' really requires hearing one's voice intonation). But after my sister ending up meeting a pseudo-boyfriend on okcupid, I decided perhaps it was time to through my skepticism and bitterness to the wind and put myself out there, or on there, as it were.

So I have been responding to the messages I get now -- NOT sending any messages off right. Lets get that one thing clear -- I'm not that ballsy. Long story short, I have a date this Saturday! From his description my co-worker and I have decided he is the "nerdy athletic type." You know what I mean: glasses, bad shoes, always wearing some sports apparel t-shirt, and some brand of bad jeans, oh, and usually a bowl cut. But, its a date and I'm going to give it a shot. Hopefully he is actually 24 and not 42. And we are going to meet in a public place. And if I know his type, he is definitely not going to order a pomegrante martini.

Hola!

Happy Summer! After a long reprieve, I'm back. This does not mean I have picked up a boyfriend or anything as crazy as that - puh lease. However, I did move! Quiet a production. I have moved up in the world. I'm in a doorman/elevator building. My doorman's name is Jose, my super's name is Jose, and then the other two guys that work in the building are named Marco. Either this is a very strange coincidence or they are lying to me because they think I'm a silly gringa.

Anyways, thank goodness for summer - but not this rain! It has literally (according to weather.com) rained in New York every day in June except for 4 delightfully days. Regardless, its warm and people are out and about. Including me.

A couple Saturday mornings ago I was idling on Broadway in front of Dean and Deluca, aimlessly waiting for a friend, when all of a sudden I look up and see Vig Bar Boy walking towards me with a girl on his arm! I immediately looked down and pretending to be texting someone. After they crossed and were walking west I attempted to follow them like a crazy person and I think I saw them walk in the Apple store. Totally a couple thing to do...

"It could have been his sister..." I told my friend D. Her look told me no one's sister walks arm and arm with them on a Saturday morning to the Apple store.

Needless to say I have still received numerous 2 am texts from Vig Bar Boy within the past few weeks, none of which have come to any fruition. Not his sister? Or maybe he is an ass. Maybe if he would ever ask me on a G.D. date I would change my mind about that.

I also lied awhile back when I said I got off OkCupid. I didn't. I'm still on it. My sister actually met this guy she ended up liking off OkCupid, so I have decided to give it another go. "Giving it another go" meaning responding to the 3 messages in my inbox and updating my picture. Honestly, I think I'm just not good online. Some people's humor seems to translate very well through their profiles (maybe I checked out a couple girl's profiles too for research on this area) and mine is totally vanilla feeling.

My friend at work also told me today she has a high school friend that runs the Genius Bar at the Apple store. I don't know how I feel about this but the first blind-ish date I ever went on was in college and was with a guy that worked at the Apple store. Maybe it's fate.

If apartment searching is to dating...

Andi*, Elaine*, and I have been searching for an apartment for about a month and a half now. We currently live over a hamburger restaurant that plays loud Fleetwood Mac and Coldplay until 4 am. You understand our predicament.

This past weekend Elaine and I looked at 4 apartments in the span of 3 hours. After this, we decided we had to come home and write down everything we had seen, if only to make sure we weren't overlapping (the craigslist postings "convertible 2 bdrm awesome deal!!!!!!!! 7th/B," was starting to sound a lot like the "3 bedroom awesome deal!!!!!!!!! 7th/B").

When it came to apartments, we had become like druggies that always know where to score. Someone would say, "I looked at this apartment on 6th and 1st Ave..."

"Oh, small kitchen, big bathroom, faces the street?" we would all say. "Yeah, we know that one."

We felt we knew almost every apartment listed, but still hadn't found something we like. Elaine and I wrote down everything we had looked at: 18 apartments in the span of a month (counting the apartment we almost thought we got, but then was so ruthlessly ripped from our fingertips when our management company forced us to stay in our apartment an extra month).

"18 apartments!!" I said in shock at seeing 'our list.' It was at this moment I realized apartment hunting in New York is much like dating. You have to look and look, and look some more to find something you are going to make a big investment in, something you are going to spend a lot of time with. Occasionally you have to rely on other people/websites to help you out with this search. When it comes to sealing the deal, with an apartment it is a security deposit, with dating (and this is so cheesy I can't believe I'm saying it), its your heart! And just to put this out there, unlike security deposits, you DO NOT get that back when the relationship is over.

Elaine told me I was depressing her when I started making statements like, "what do you think breaking you lease signifies?" and "do you think its bad I've moved like three times in the past 1.5 years?"

Regardless, this is an interesting analogy to consider....

"How Meeting a Cute Nerdy Guy Works"

I really like NPR podcasts.  This American Life, Stuff You Should Know, Savage Love, etc... all my favorites.  Because I listen to a lot of these radio shows on my ipod, I tend to say things like this a lot: "Did you know there are 41 types of deja vu?  I listened to a Stuff You Should Know about them this morning;" or, "On This American Life week this woman told a story about how she had to sell all her furniture and sleep on an air mattress in her apartment because of bed bugs."

My co-workers know to expect a factoid pretty much every morning because I listen to podcasts on the way to work.  But over lunch today I started in with, "So today on the way to work I was listening to 'How Cannibalism Works' and --

"Do you do this on dates?" one of my co-workers asked, following up with a 'How Hypo-allergenic Cats Work' imitation -- their favorite.

"Yeah, probably not a good idea," the other laughed.

"I uhh, only on the bad dates!!" I said, trying to wrack my brain, knowing that I had probably done some sort of factoid on pretty much every date I'd been on.

"You know what though, your nerdy ideal guy would be totally into it.  In fact, I bet he would bring up NPR first!  Don't let us stop your game," my co-worker said.

"Very true.  My nerdy future boyfriend totally loves Stuff You Should Know."   Visions of us listening to the radio together danced in my head.

"You might want to start picking up guys at the library, then," my other co-worker laughed, shaking her head.  

Brilliant idea!  Why had I not thought of this before, I wondered.  To the library as fast as possible.  I already have my card...

ambiguity

take from this what you will because it is all I'm going to say on the matter: silence, in an inopportune time, can be deadly. I learned this lesson Friday.

Don't be creepy

My good friend Billie* asked if she could set me on a date with a friend from her jui jitsu class. Not having been on a blind date in over a couple months and making a conceited effort to come fully out of my hibernated state, I clearly said yes (this was after taking into consideration that I met her other jiu jitsu friends one night at a party and one of them was under 5''3' and the other was wearing a blue wind suit).

I digress. A couple days after I agreed to this date I get an email from Billie* at work simply saying, "would you still go out with him?" with a picture attached of this guy, Chad*. I emailed her back and said yeah sure, hes cute (which he was), and thought in the back of my mind that her emailing me a picture of him was a bit weird. This past weekend I brought it up in front of our other friends. "Don't you think its weird to send a picture of someone you're being set up with?" I postulated to our friends.

"Yeah, thats kind of creepy, like just unnecessary maybe," a friend said.

"Wait, did you send him mine too??!!" I asked.

"Yeah, of course, why not?" Billie said.

"That is so weird! Now its not a blind date! Wait, what picture did you send?"

"Uh, I don't remember..."

This went on and on. Chad* called the next day while I was watching I Love You, Man with my sister and then I sorta, kinda forgot to call him back until last night. Or I just kind of avoided the call. I'm not sure why.

Anyways, I called him back last night and although I shut my door, Elaine* and Andi* sat in the living room and listened to my conversation just like my mom used to do in 6th grade. As it turns out, Chad* is a nice guy (over the phone at least). Although he did say, 'Billie said you were trying to go on lots of blind dates which I thought was kind of weird, but from your picture and what she says about you, I really would like to take you out!' I visualized kicking Billie in the shins right...then.

We tried to pick a night to go out and as most New Yorkers discover, everyone is always tooooooo busy. He could only really do weekends and I have my weekends booked until the second weekend in May. (Yes, I am that popular). Ordinarily, that would be a really good excuse for me to come up with, but its actually the truth. I told him I could also never do Wednesdays because I have a class. He asked what kind. For some reason I felt this was a perfect opportunity to be witty and hilarious, so I started to make up some silly something like, "A dinosaur study..." and just as the joke was loosing steam (mainly because it had none to begin with -- on Wednesdays I take a writing class, WTF?? no dinosaurs), Elaine* poked her head in my room and mouthed, "Don't be creepy!"

Touche. Chad* and I have yet to set a date....as in... our first date. But I don't think it was the creepy jokes, simply the clashing schedules that slowed us down.

Trader Joe's

I went to Trader Joe's tonight. I have come to the conclusion that not only do they have the best deals in town (and free delicious treats!!), they also have the most attractive male employees of any supermarket. I can't speak for the Brooklyn one, but I definitely saw some potential in Union Square tonight. I thought I had a moment with the guy at my check-out counter, until I realized the raffle he was telling me about was for everyone, not just a special little deal between us.

Bottom line, ladies, the 30 min express line is worth the wait.

Steve Harvey...seriously??!!!

Steve Harvey is giving dating advice. Seriously. I thought He's Just Not That Into You was bad, but this book, How to Act Like a Lady, has taken things to a whole new level of disatrous men-giving-women-advice-on-dating.

I do have to say, I laughed out loud at this article. Mostly about Oprah's stupid questions. But also when Steve Harvey says men don't care about women's hopes and dreams; they come up to us with an agenda. Touche, Steve Harvey, touche.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/23/o.steve.harvey.love.advice/index.html?eref=rss_latest

Happy First Day of Spring!

I went to Vig Bar on Friday night. I did not see Vig Bar boy because, as it turns out, he was out of town this weekend. He was in Florida. My friend convinced me to text him, "How soon can you get back?" Whaaaaaaaaaaat?? Bad choice. And no response. Our timing is off. I think this is a sign.

So to make up for this loss, I ended up running up a $50 bar tab and dancing with a nerdier than Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting look-a-like for most of the night. And then closer to 3 am I remember talking to a guy that lived in Jersey City, NJ. That is when I knew it was time to come home -- when it comes to NJ, just say no. I came home and went in Elaine's* room and turned on her light - just to be friendly and say hello (I think...this part is hazy).

My punishment for such a night was absolute death on Saturday and physcially having to miss two very fun parties Saturday night, staying in and watching Law and Order and drinking G2 (the low cal gateroade) instead.

I started the spring off with a bang. Hope everyone else did as well! Now lets just get the warm weather here.

Don't settle

I was lucky enough to see all my college friends this past weekend. I had a conversation recently with Elaine* about how in our respective groups of college friends, we are the only single ones. This is when I use the excuse ‘I live in New York – dating is tough here,’ even though that kinda depresses me because in college I used similar rational for not having a boyfriend that ‘the ratio of girls to guys at this school is really bad – dating is tough here.’

Anyways, while it is easy to get discouraged about not having a boyfriend when everyone else does, spending time around all my best friends and their great boyfriends makes me remember I don’t want to settle for some loser boyfriend when I can have a potentially great guy like one of them. I try to remember this when I think maybe getting back together with my ex would be a convenient and interesting idea. I told my co-worker this and he told me I was too young to move backwards. Well said.

On an interesting note, I received a text from Vig Bar boy on Saturday night saying, “word on the street was” I was at Vig Bar. I have not seen this guy except for an awkward run in at Village Tavern like a month ago in which I plainly avoided him except for to say ‘hi’ on my way out. I texted him back Saturday, obvi, and told him word on the street was wrong, I was not at Vig Bar…but maybe I would be this weekend. Te he.